i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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