I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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