hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
