at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
