Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
