cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
