Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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