i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
