My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
