On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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