I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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