is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
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He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
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Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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