I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
