$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
