Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
