if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Fuck appropriateness.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Randomize
