grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
