and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
