capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
