Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I know her cup size but not her name....
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
