He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
