He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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