sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
