I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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