Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
