My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
