True but thats because hes a fetus.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We need to get me chipped asap
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
