I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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