theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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