When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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