he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He felt like a one man threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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