what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
