Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
