I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
