I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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