shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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