how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
