I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
