wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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