I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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