my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
