i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
