i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
