Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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