I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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