I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
