chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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