Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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