we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize