The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
