i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
