made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
