Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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