Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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